Journal Entry 042 -

The worse kind of manipulative people are the ones who don't know they are manipulative...or do they actually know, but they are so narcissistic they defend it with "ignorance"? 

 Phantom in a Briefcase -

A rollover from yesterday, today was my limit.

 

I walked in my house getting met with someone holding the door closed, no replies, and faces of confusion.

 

As I walked into my safe space and seeing a familiar face I made eye contact as I reached over you,

 

another no reply.

 

I passed Forward more faces of confusion and no greetings.

 

A stranger in my own home.

 

I curled into my Second home and used its volume buttons to lock the doors and close the blinds,

 

but my anxiety had already cracked the ceiling.

 

A poke and confession from You saying I went unnoticed.

 

The carelessness of lines crossed and feelings of being broken, I slip back into my Cloak and fall back in love with the things I never noticed.

Journal Entry 219 -

I've never used methamphetamine, but I bet it resembles the feelings right after a needed cry, like a "fucking hard I can’t breathe sobbing grieving" cry. And when you sit and reflect after you’re done crying it’s like that euphoric feeling after throwing up. Man, I really needed to cry.

Journal Entry 699 -

I'm not socially awkward, I just dont like being around people and talking about bullshit. Who's really the weird one?

The Ice is Melting - 

Like ice in my Throat

I felt the words roll off my tongue, but without sound.

 

This feeling is real, no more just questioning.

 

I don’t want to be with you.

 

Thinking about the Qualities you want

to Surface you tend to find that

 

You’re your biggest Warmth.

Note - 555

Masculine figures, specifically men, have almost a natural tendency to suppress and then release, which is almost identical to the male orgasm - a build up of tension causing an uncontrolled outburst or ejaculation. I wonder once a male or masculine figure controls their organism they then to control their emotionless, thus regrettable outburst and actions.

 

Journal Entry 212 -

At what point does exercising a complex vocabulary and critical thinking starts to sway away from a blinded-privilege to contributing to oppression?

Journal Entry 111 -

That point when you're in a relationship that both of you are unhappy and feel it's toxic, but both of you are too stubborn and clingy to let go, thus forming more sadness and pique.

This is the reminder to let go, if you want their happiness and yours.

Journal Entry 066 -

You can't push "great good" initiatives with a conceptual framework rooted in greed.
 

Reading Response 001 -

I appreciate the effort Leonel.

 

I think my living situation and what's been happening outside has hyper-focused me into work mode, which has positively granted me an outlet for my pain and anger, but part of me feels like that response is due to a numbness, a feeling that what's been going on has been normalized for me since I was a child and since then I pushed myself to keep going, thus I have to react in the same way to break free from it.

Slow Dance -

 

Last night I was a Wallflower imagining myself 

dancing with the Barks and Leaves in the

blue disco light

How envious I am of their movement and groundedness.

 

I want to share a drink with You

hold hands and bathe in the whispers of the wind, feel the shivers up my spine and indulge in the cracking of my Skin

I need to be committed to you to be

 

Won with the world.

Journal Entry 112 -

It's easy to forgive, but it's almost impossible not reflect. What defines our forgiveness is how we communicate that reflection.

Journal Entry 013 -

Why do I feel guilty?

There's no defining love or timing it.

To deny love is to deny existence.

 

Be vulnerable with yourself, even if that means letting go.

Journal Entry 019 -

 

When slave owners raped male slaves it was used to show dominance and superiority in a plan to oppress across generations. I think since then the different forms of sexuality, especially in the Black male community have been highly scrutinized, thus violently punished. However, as ancient and indigenous knowledge become pop culture, I think the weaponization of sexuality in its "traditional" form is starting to dismantle. Regardless of the lock-and-key dogma of the sexes and the survive and reproduce framework of living organisms, humanity is far more complex then these elementary constructs in every other system. The irony is that in ancient times the "TRANS" community was highly praised and gender/sexuality in society was highly fluid. 

Note 245 - 

Transgenerational memory via epigenetics involves information about an environment or stress that's passed down, resulting in offspring having high genetic variation and being more resilient in harsher conditions. I wonder if this is playing a role in the continued success of the Black community despite us still being oppressed. 

Phototropism -

Distrustful dog days

 

A jealous mop reaches because

 

of my sunflower head

Note 226 -

In business, exploration is a state of always seeking, thus strategic growth. Fall in love with what might kill you next and treat you successes like a side-piece.

Untitled 004 -

yellow hands Puppet

green eyes and a gray mindset, but a 

Winter is coming  

See Through -  

 

I can't get away from you  

 

you are the tag in my shirt

Tearing you a part will leave a

hole in my heart  

 

Well, at least I could breathe.

 

Jaw Clinch - ​

 

Vocal bullets pierce deeper

while the conscious lays salt

never cock your tongue,

for a requital assault ​

 

extinguish the flames.   

 

So your eyes won't mirror

the revolving bank vault  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still These Scars on my Back - ​

 

UNEARTH forward step ​

 

since ash exhaled to Liza  

 

iron, cows still burn.

 

 

 

 

 

Doves at the Gates -  

 

Elite constructed or very true,

how do I choose    

 

The bosom blossoms on the topic,

why not call it blues?    

 

A meaning to live without regret or  

a life striped of living?    

 

But just to double check does

 

Thou  

 

forgive truly?

 

 

 

 

 

Birds of Prey -  

 

Triangle kisses, corduroy blue couch

GRIPS, give on Giveon,

she’s came and gone.  

 

there’s only Zs now

 

 

 

 

 

Journal Entry 097 - ​

 

Anybody with enough education will tell you academia is shit, well at least in American because that where I have my privilege to study. I think education is key whether from google, the streets, or from a traditional system. What I discourage is second guessing your aspirations due to the conceptual frameworks that we have been conditioned - to follow a robotic labor chain to supplement an unjust globalization focused society.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Toy's Story -  

 

My head is buzzing.  

 

I’m not him, I’m a lightyear out of the box.

Take me out off your shelf, out of the

plastic put ons and burn the bow tie.  

 

I wear mine just like the the ray gun on

his Sleeve, but not for destruction, for

isolated instruction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Journal Entry 003 -  

 

Yo, you ever feel like selfishly removing your existence and memory of yourself from the world, just to watch society go on and remind you that you ain’t shit? Ironically, these thoughts have speared headed me into systematic “success”, but also has dented the relationship I have with myself, thus with others I care(ed) about.

mwisho.